


Things We Used to Share

by lesbiancarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Heart Break, Hurt/No Comfort, M/M, Songfic, drinking solves everything, or so Rafael thinks, selfish character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 20:16:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14722893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiancarisi/pseuds/lesbiancarisi
Summary: Nick leaves and Rafael’s heartbroken.(Inspired by “Things We Used to Share” by Thomas Sanders)





	Things We Used to Share

Deep down inside, Rafael has always known that he’s a selfish man. He can hide behind the pretence of being a good one, honest or perhaps even kind, but when it comes down to it he knows the truth about what he really is. Barging into that hospital room and announcing the title that he and Nick worked so hard to protect, just so that he could hold a limp hand in his own while they prepped him for surgery. That was only the beginning of the arguing, because as Nick starts to move around, he starts to talk. 

“Zara and Gil are in California, Rafael,” he says. Every word falls heavy with pain, regret, a sorrow beyond words that only comes from a loving father ripped from children that he loves and deserves to watch grow up. “They’re- they’re my kids. I can start over in LA, get to actually see them. It’s for the best.”

And he knows that it’s the wrong thing to say, but Rafael asks, “What about me?”

What about him, indeed. It’s that question that starts the screaming match, and this time Nick can’t walk away before he says something that can’t be taken back. Rafael gets angry and says worse, and now suddenly Nick is staying with Amanda and telling everyone that he and Maria are going to give things another try. Watching him at Olivia’s party, he hates that they had come so close to being able to sit side by side, hand in hand, and now it’s all gone. Of course Nick tells Olivia first, where he’s going. He smiles as he speaks, warm and real in a way that Rafael knows he’s going to miss because his chest is starting to ache with longing already. They lock eyes once, and Nick is the one who looks away first because Rafael’s greedy for even that little and he doesn’t want it to end.

When the next morning rolls around, Nick knocks on the door- because he gave Rafael his key a week prior- and has a box held precariously as he struggles with his crutches. Like any decent person, Rafael takes the box, sets it on the counter, and asks what Nick needs. Not wants, needs. He’s terrified that if he asks about desires, he’ll hear what he’s most afraid of and it’ll cut so deep that he bleeds out on this floor in an invisible puddle. Under his watch, Nick leans back against the door and says, “I’m here to get my stuff. My flight’s tomorrow night.” 

“Right.”

He throws everything he can think of together, both the things that are Nick’s and the things that belong to both of them but Rafael doesn’t want around the home they were building together. Photos of Nick’s kids mixed with ties that he paid for mixed with books he brought mixed with a stuffed animal from the county fair. All of it crammed into the cardboard box that Rafael holds shut with scotch tape so he doesn’t have to look at it. When he comes back out into the living room to throw some of the other random bits and pieces into a grocery bag, Nick just watches with a masked expression until it’s all over and done with.

“I’ll carry these down for you.”

“Thanks.”

Their shared elevator is tense the whole way down. Of every word that Rafael wants to say, he doesn’t let a single one pass his lips, not even when he sees Amanda waiting in the driver’s seat outside the building. Rafael opens the door for Nick before she gets out to do it, stowing Nick’s crutches and belongings in the back seat while he’s at it.

“We had a good run,” he says lamely.

“Take care of yourself, Rafael.”

A mirror image of those words dies on his lips as Nick drives away, off to California where he’s getting back together with the love of his life and getting to spend times with his kids. Really, Rafael should be happy for him, but instead he’s just bitter. Bitter and alone and too sober to go back into their apartment and look at the things they used to share. Nick and Rafael’s, now just Rafael’s. Everything gets the same ownership title as the aged bottle of scotch in the liquor cabinet that Nick has never touched a drop of. That’s the only reason he can drag himself back up to the apartment.

He grabs it and drinks straight from the squared bottle before he settles on the couch with a throw blanket pulled around his shoulders. It isn’t half as warm as Nick’s arms are, or at least used to be. Luckily, a drink has a way of soothing the coldness making its home in Rafael’s heart. It even burns down his throat and smolders in his stomach. His hands remain cold and so do his eyes. The sun outside beats through the window, but it brings no real warmth. Some part of him wants to chastise the sun for being so disrespectful as to shine when it feels like every cell of his body is disintegrating.There is nothing fair about this, about being left alone, about feeling like without Nick there’s no point in being alive. No, it’s not healthy, and yes, Rafael should call someone and talk, but instead he rests in his misery and he drinks.

It’s easier that way.

Easier, it’s much easier to drink himself into a stupor that leaves him hungover and wanting the next morning.  He hates to wake up in bed alone, which is why he sleeps on the couch. That way, he can pretend that he fell asleep there and Nick didn’t want to wake him to take him to bed. Pretending is easier than sitting here realizing that he hates the pain of not having Nick to fill in all the cracks. He gets up, showers, brushes his teeth and gets ready by himself. Work and life go on, even when Rafael wants nothing more than to lie in bed and be sad.

He ties his tie in the mirror, thinking about how it’s been a long time since he tied it himself. Usually Nick would do it, kissing Rafael when he’s done and telling him that he looks great and he’ll own the courtroom. It takes a couple of tries to get the knot just right so he can fill his travel mug and hurry out the door. The entire way to work, he can’t stop thinking about how hard it will be to not see Nick in the squad room or read his reports on new cases. His blocky handwriting and suave voice are gone to California, never to return. His bright personality now lives under the sun with the family that he’s always deserves. Rafael never would have been able to give it to him anyways. This is what’s best for Nick, even if hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr @my-sonshine, and I do take fic requests on AO3


End file.
